[seem⋅ing⋅ly] 1.in appearance but not necessarily in actuality

What you need to do is FIGHT through the apathy and find that this is only seemingly impossible to reach.

I began to write this by saying, 'I could not recall the last time I felt secure with the Lord' but in the middle of that almost positive sentence I was taken back to the memory I lived almost a year ago.

Another desperate attempt to heal that gaping wound I somehow could not find on my body, but felt the pain of all to often. And as if I had never felt heartbreak like this in my life I wept and begged, searched my brain for solutions to something that I later would find out (again) would be better torn apart. This chamelleon could not change to a color I did not recognize anymore. Instead of analyzing, yet again, where this went wrong I let the full tsunami of guilt destroy me.

Being peeled of the one thing I trusted to keep me safe left me with the realization that I did not think of my safety as in the Lord anymore. I'd found safety in this emotionally-charged love I thought would suit better as my security because it had an existence I could see. But what I had not reminded myself of was that this love was conditional. With that understanding now, I turned to what I knew I should have never left behind in the first place; God. Getting back to Him was not a smooth sail, but rather a drumfire I thought I could never survive. Even though it came to fighting mountains higher than I could see, fighting to understand this unconditional love again was the only thing I knew would bring me out of this.

This began my radical journey of faith, which some might not deem as radical. But for my world this was the journey that I will look back at to remember; even when my faith has fallen between the cracks there was a time when I cried out to God for days and only heard Satan's voice in return, then when I thought there was nothing left I asked one more time, and my Father's voice reigned in over every inch of my existence.

And as if that faith would extinguish the pain, I still could not find where my wound was. And that began another search fueled by the very enemy that was blinding my wound from sight, but making sure the pain was very much alive. So, as I trace back around this circle and find myself at the point of reckless abandonment (again) and overwhelming heartache (again) I conclude to remember the faith I received in conquering a battle I think to be one of my biggest because I could not stuff my emotions down into the depths of my body, by the time that thought came they were already spilled out all over the floor.